Aug 09
31
EBSH Part II: I Have What!?!
If you haven’t read Part I, read it now and then continue with this post.
Since the pain was so strong, I was wheeled down to the giant magnet tube room to have my CT scan. When the nurse asked why my head hurt, I pleaded the 5th. After the scan was done, it was back to the exam room. The doctor walked in with the scan results and scratched his head. He told me the scan showed nothing, everything looked fine. Carmen was surprised that they found a brain. Thanks honey. Up next, the spinal tap.
If you’ve never had a spinal tap, picture a needle the size of a 16 penny nail being driven into your spine. The goal is to see if there is any blood, infection, sign of seizures or cause of headaches, all of which is done by looking at the fluid. Real high tech.
I hate needles…..with a passion! The thought of having to get a shot makes my blood pressure go up, and the site of that needle made it shoot up to something in the neighborhood of 3000 over 1500. The doctor had me lay on my side, lift my shirt and draw my knees up to my chest. Next thing I know, he says exhale and jams the needle into my back. Silence.
“Darn, I was afraid that might happen. I need you to sit up Mr. Barrett, we have to try again. I hit an empty pocket and didn’t get any fluid.”
If memory serves, the next few words out of my mouth were something in the area of “What the fudge are you talking about?” Only I didn’t say fudge. After several more choice words, I relented and allowed the doctor to proceed. After a quick trip to the aid desk, he returned with a nurse and a portable table.
“Okay Mr. Barrett, I want you to lean over this table, arch your back and try to relax.”
Yeah right a-hole. I grabbed the underside of the table and prayed that he was able to get spinal fluid. Second time turned out to be a charm. Unfortunately, the table didn’t survive. I tensed up when he hit me with the needle and crushed the underside when I grabbed hold of it. That’s what they get for having me go through that twice.
When I sat up, I could tell by the look on the doctors face that something wasn’t right. The fluid was clear, nothing wrong at all. He was stumped. Out of ideas, the doctor told me my next stop should be a neurologist. Luckily, Carmen was a patient of one of the best in the area and the appointment was made.
I called my boss from the ER to tell her where I was and that I wouldn’t be in. I assured her that everything was going to be okay, but I probably wouldn’t be in the next day either.
The next day, we walked into her neurologists office. This guy treated Carmen’s dad at the VA hospital when he returned from Vietnam and has known Carmen since she was little, so I felt at ease, until the questioning began.
Her doctor is an Asian man, and although he’s lived in the States for decades, he still has a strong accent and is hard to understand at times.
“Hey, how you no good dad. He’s a sonofabitch! Still ornery?” he asked Carmen.
She smiled and said yes, he was still ornery. He then turned to me and asked “What wrong with you?” Since he’d known the family for so long, I had to be delicate.
“We are trying to start our family, and after we were……….intimate…….I collapsed with a severe head ache.”
“If you were having sex, say you were having sex! It’s okay. What positions were you using?” he replied.
“Okay, I guess um…..there were several.” I then tried to illustrate with my hands the various positions with little success.
“Why you young people add gymnastics to sex? There’s no need! You have what is called Explosive Benign Sexual Headache.” Just like that he knew what the problem was.
“How the hell did you know that? Does that mean I’m really good? What do I do?” I asked.
“You’re stupid, shut up. I’ve seen it before. One patient of mine went into coma from it several years ago his was so strong. Take some Motrin, no sex for two weeks, and cut out the gymnastics! It may return, it may not, just have to be careful. Tell that sonofabitch dad of yours I said ‘Hi’ Carmen.”
I took the Motrin and a few weeks later we decided it was time to give it another shot. Success! The headaches were gone! To this day, I have no idea what caused them, and they’ve only returned twice in the past six years. No joke, they’re real, and they happened to me.
A little about me: My name is Frank Barrett. I am a husband, father of two great boys, and a computer guy. Three things I hold dear: my family, my country, and the Dallas Cowboys. 
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